Saturday, October 27, 2007

Java Wars: Return of the J-Tards

(continued from Java Wars: The J-Tard Empire Strikes Back)

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you...

I'm sitting in front of the computer. I'm watching all the J-Tard emails go back and forth about the JVM problem. I chime in every once in a while with a red herring that leads them down the wrong path. It's so funny watching these monkeys panic. I haven't had this much fun in years! I'm gonna milk this for all it's worth and best of all; I have my trophy locked away in the storage cabinet, the tardest J-Tard of them all - Fake JS.

Suddenly J-Tard Jorge barges into the room with a bunch of his minion J-tards.

It's the Return of the J-Tards!

They questions me on the whereabouts of the tardest J-Tard of them all. Of course I deny knowing where he is. Those J-tards immediately congregate like the stupid monkeys they are trying to plan their next move. I suddenly see the female J-Tard, Fake JZ, use her phone to call someone.

Fake JS's phone rings from within the storage cabinet. Damn! I'm exposed. I resort to what I know best. Violence. I jump off my chair, get into attack mode, and exclaim, "You will never free him! I threw away the keys!"

But then I see the most hilarious thing happen:

The dark, tall, and hairy J-tard, Fake DM, screams and points toward the storage cabinet. He begins to move towards the cabinet until the female J-Tard attacks him. They start to fight with each other. This is just plain comical. I cannot make up something like this. I'm laughing so hard my stomach hurts. These J-Tard idiots can't even unite together in a situation like this. They will never fix the JVM problem and everything will be written in stored-procedures and my beloved Oracle Database will shine forever! I love Larry Ellison.

I'm still laughing uncontrollably.

But then J-tard Jorge puts a stop to the bickering. I resume attack mode. He commands Fake JZ to free Fake JS. He commands Fake DM to attack me. He commands the J-tard with a bloody bandage on his nose (I don't know his name, but Fake JS always calls him Hans) to fix the JVM problem I created.

Damn! J-Tard Jorge has got them work together. I need backup! I try to call Max Spazter, but Fake DM comes screaming at me like a girl. He scratches my face and pulls my hair. I punch him in the gut and I hear a girly high-pitch scream come out of him before he collapses to the floor.

I see Hans run towards my computer. He trips over himself and falls on his face. Stupid J-Tard, can't even run straight. He gets up, lets out a battle cry, and starts typing on my computer. King Jorge also lets out a battle cry. Damn, the J-tards are uniting. I try to tackle Hans, but I hear a girly high-pitched scream coming from behind me. It's Fake DM again. He gets up and pulls my hair from behind. What the hell is wrong this J-Tard? He fights like a girl - scratching face and pulling hair. Bastard! He pulls very hard this time. I loose my footing. As I'm falling down, I catch a glimpse of Fake JZ jumping up and down trying to pry open the cabinet door like a stupid monkey. They're all monkeys. I can't help but burst out in laughter when I saw this.

Suddenly Hans exclaims, "Fix installed! The JVM Problem is no more! Data is flowing through our servers again!"

I have failed! Max Spazter will be disappointed. I get down on my knees and let out a scream to beg for Larry Ellison's forgiveness. I think it goes unheard because the J-tard's cheers drown me out. I cover my face because I can't bear it anymore. I'm ashamed. Truly ashamed.

The room falls silent.

I look up and I realize that they have still been unable to free Fake JS. I burst into laughter again and exclaim, "You J-tards will never free your tardest J-Tard of them all!"

Again J-Tard Jorge unites them and gives them hope. He instructs Fake JZ to my keyboard. The female J-Tard uses it to hit the lock until both the lock and my keyboard breaks to pieces. I hate all J-Tards - that keyboard was specially configured for my typing style.

It gets worse, the next thing I see was horrific. I shutter to even describe this in my secret diaries, but I must proceed so that I will remember never repeat this mistake again.

The tardest J-Tard of them all, Fake JS, collapse to the floor and the female J-tard, Fake JZ, immediately cradles him in her arms. She begins to cry. I think I hear the hairy J-Tard, Fake DM, get emotional too. I feel sick. I'm getting nauseous. All this J-tard love is obscenely gross. Just imagine if these J-tards got together and made mini J-Tards?! Oh my Larry! They will be the tardest of the tardest J-Tards of them all.

Suddenly Fake JS asks Fake JZ, "Who are you?"

Fake JZ replies, "Someone who cares for you."

That's it. That's the breaking point. They're gonna make mini J-Tards. I'm nauseous to the point where I can't hold it in anymore. I need to puke. I aim for the nearest J-Tard, it happens to be Hans. I puke on him.

I smile because I got in a cheap shot. Hans cusses at me. I continue to defiantly smile at him.

Suddenly Fake DM screams. This startles me because he screams right into my ears! I thought those sound can only come from 10 year old girls. Fake DM starts to cry again. This guy is pissing me off. He's almost as much of a freak as Fake JS.

Apparently Fake JZ just slapped Fake JS in the face causing Fake DM to scream like that.

Regardless, the J-tards are obviously fighting with each other again - once again there is chaos in their ranks. I see J-Tard Jorge realize the same thing as he clasps both hands to his face and say, "God, this is what I have to work with."

I defiantly smile again at the J-Tards because I now realize that their victory today was pure luck and more importantly temporary.

They have struck me down today, but shall return stronger than ever before. The J-Tards will pay!

Peace out...

(to be continued: Java Wars: The J-Tard Menace)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event and Click here to see Fake DM's chronicle of this event]

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