Bad food! Bad code! Bad J-tard!

So I was happily having lunch by myself in the company cafeteria until J-tard decides to ruin the party and asked, "Mind if I join you for lunch?". So I'm thinking you're a J-tard, why do you think I wouldn't mind? Anyways, I 'm feeling less hostile than usually because we'll be exclusively using stored procedures for our next project (The thought of no J-tards touching my beloved database just makes me warm and fuzzy inside) so I'm allowing him to have lunch with me.

I finish off my lunch and I'm still hungry so I look over at J-tard and say, "Hey J-tard, I'm still hungry. Feed me." So I immediately grab some rice and some chicken off his plate. He pretends to be nice, "Uh, yeah sure, try some of it." J-tards are always kissing up to me because they know that everything Java is wrong and everything Oracle is godly, just like Larry. He's very godly, especially his beard. It looks so soft and smooth and yet so masculine and soooo Oracle databasy.

Anyways, I shovel some of J-tard's food into my mouth. Holy Jesus! It tastes like toe jam! I spit it out and stare at him. I don't blink. I'm pissed. I continue to stare at him. I still don't blink. I finally calm myself down by thinking about Larry's beard and say to him, "I cannot believe your food is as crappy as your Java code. You should really consider getting off your Gavin-Man-Crush and rewrite your Hibernate code into stored procedures! You've used up my last ounce of mercy toward any J-tard. IF YOU EVEN MENTION ANYTHING JAVA WITHIN AN EARSHOT OF ME, I WILL TAKE YOU OUT BIG-TIME". I throw the leftovers at him and I walk out of the cafeteria. Friggin J-tards.

Peace out...

Lunch with Agent Zero

So I get a call from Agent Zero, he wants to get together for lunch. He's yapping about some conspiracy theory that he believes will interest me. I ignore him. I don't particularly want to have lunch with him. This jagoff is a chatterbox Fox Mulder with an annoying streak, but I have a frigtard Java developer in my ear about some completely asinine topic. He's on a soapbox about Spring, dependency injection, and some dude named Martin Fowler. Honestly, I don't know why this frigtard is talking about Spring in October and I'm beginning to having a "fowl" thought about "injecting" my pen into his eye.

I've had enough so I choose the lesser of two evils. I confirm lunch with Agent Zero. I serve frigtard Java developer a tall glass of shut-up juice and tell him, "If you or Martin touch my beloved Oracle database while I'm out to lunch I'm going to inject Martin's head in your ass".

So Agent Zero and I are having lunch at Chili's. This jagoff is happily shoving his Bacon Burger down his throat while he drones on and on about that Meteorite incident in Peru and Bush's plan for a permanent presidency. I can't even look at my Country-Fried Steak because I'm getting nauseous from listening to him so my mind wanders to keep from hurling. Larry Ellison's beard dances around in my head and a grin begins to show across my face, but two-dollar Fox Mulder brings me back to reality by finally getting to the point. He goes, "But the real conspiracy is this - What's your deal with the term, "frigtard Java Developer", Fake Jeff? All things Java start with a "J". It's JBoss. It's JDom. It's JBuilder. It's always "J" something bro. Where's the creativity, Fake Jeff? The truth is out there".

Ok, I'm confused...

He goes quiet and slips me a note underneath the table. It reads, "J-Tard = frigtard Java Developer".

Am I like, OMG!

J-TARD.

I have a new found respect for Agent Zero. I'm no longer nauseous. I quickly pound down my Country-Fried Steak because I can't wait to get back to the office to slap some sense into the J-tard who probably messed up my beloved Oracle database.

The truth is out there.

Peace out...

Java Developers Suck!

So this frigtard Java Developer walks into my cube today and tells me he wants to add a column to one of my database tables. I was thinking, "What the hell do you think you're doing even thinking of touching my beloved Oracle database tables?!" So I put up with it for a while 'cause my boss told me to be less hostile towards these frigtards. So for the next minute or so I pretend to listen to the worthless sounds coming out of his mouth. When I finally feel sorry for him, I tell him to have a tall glass of shut-up juice and listen to my Godly database-centric solution, "ADDING A FRIGGIN COLUMN TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM IS SOMETHING FRIGTARDS LIKE YOU ALWAYS SUGGEST! I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN! HELL NO! WE ARE CREATING TWENTY TABLES TO REPLACE YOUR COLUMN AND YOUR GOING TO REWRITE YOUR WORTHLESS CODE TO USE THOSE TABLES!"

Peace out...

Hibernate Sucks!

I'm sitting in a design meeting with a bunch of frigtard Java developers and they're beginning to piss me off. They're talking about using Hibernate to connect to my beloved Oracle database. All these friggin O/R mapping frameworks generating these inefficient SQL queries just gives me the twitches. These guys don't know what the hell they are talking about! One day it's this, the next day it's that. I couldn't wait for those frigtards to stop yapping so I cold-cocked the one sitting next to me to get their attention and said, "GAVIN SUCKS! HIBERNATE SUCKS! WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING WITH STORED PROCEDURES!"

Peace out...