Thursday, November 1, 2007

Java Wars: The J-Tard Menace

(continued from Java Wars: The Return of the J-Tards)

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you...

I get back to my office to recuperate from my wounds I received in my battle with the J-Tards. Though they have won the battle, the war is far from over. I lock the door. The last thing I want is Max Spazter walking into my office because I'll have to explain what happened. I sit down. I open an xterm and start monitoring my beloved database. I do this every time I'm in a bad mood. It calms me down and gets me thinking about Larry Ellison's magnificent beard. Oh how I would love to be stroking his beard while sitting next to him as he's flying his plane. I can picture it now, The reflection of the sun and clouds on Larry's fighter pilot sunglasses makes him look godly. He takes the plane through the clouds and describes to me all the latest feature of Oracle 11g. I'm riding cloud nine right now.

Suddenly I see an alert on my computer screen - A database session is being held on by some rogue program and it doesn't look like it's going to be released. I bet it's a J-Tard messing with my beloved Oracle database again.

It's the J-Tard Menace!

I'm really pissed because this alert really took me out of my Zen Larry moment. I look into this further to find out which workstation on the network is doing this. The workstation causing this problem is called "beautifulfakejs" - geez I wonder whose computer that is? I should have known Fake JS, the tardest J-Tard of them all, would try to retaliate. Once again I feel my blood pressure rising. I feel belligerent. I feel like beating Fake JS to a bloody pulp. I waste no time and decide to act on my violent impulses.

I march my way into Fake JS's office. I swing open the door and see this disgusting excuse of a J-Tard dancing with his a compact. This guy's a freak through and through. He finally sees me when he dances right in front of me. He stops and acts like he's seen a ghost. I proceed to ask him politely, "You %#@#$ tardest J-Tard of them all! You $%@# created a $%# connection leak on my beloved database! Do you even know how to write code?!"

He stands there and starts to drool. After a while he utters gibberish to me. I don't understand what he is saying so I'll just repeat it verbatim:

"Fake Jeff, did you consider the Agile ESB that delivers the SOA of the Test Driven Database Oracle that serialize SCRUM packets over the EJB into JVM on the ByteCode MBean of RMI Servlet Session SSH HTTP JAXB JMS Tibco DB2 IBM .NET Microsoft Google JBoss Spring Winter Autumn Summer Apple and Oranges? Did you consider that huh? huh? huh? and by the way, you suck! I hate you."

I'm so astonished by this J-Tard's stupidity that I'm speechless. I gather myself and realize why I'm here - to release a can of whoop ass on him. Oh my Larry, he's starting to dance again. I put an end to that by responding to him, "You're not making sense! You're completely clueless you J-Tard! You better turn off your $%#$ program before I lock you up again!"

He starts drooling again.

He tries to escape, but I block off the exit. He tries to throws his nose-hair trimmer at me, but I easily slap it aside to the ground. The bugger keeps running around his desk. He's really beginning to get on my nerves. I can't wait 'til I get my hands on him so that I can just beat on him for about 2 or 3 hours. I'm sick of chasing him so I lunge towards him. Just as I'm about to grab a hold of him, I lose my footing and fall to the ground because I stepped on his nose-hair trimmer. Lucky J-Tard. He jets out of his office screaming like a girl - He sounds just like Fake DM. I get up and run after him, but he's no where in sight. I go from office to office questioning every J-Tard on the whereabouts of the tardest J-Tard of them all. Everyone denies knowing where he is. Damn, I have this violent energy building up within me, but no J-Tard to release it on.

I see Max Spazter heading towards me. I try to avoid him, but he calls to me, "Fake Jeff, let's talk. Look, forget about J-Tard JS connection leak problem. I'll talk to J-Tard Jorge about it and it'll be taken care of. This is not the core problem. I need you to focus on the bigger issue; How to keep all J-Tards off our Oracle Database. You see Fake Jeff, I need you to calm down because fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to J-Tards writing Hibernate code, so I really need you to focus."

His words calm me like music calms a raging beast. I'm at peace again because I know what I need to do now. I can picture myself flying through the clouds with Larry again.

(to be continued: Java Wars: Attack of the DBAs)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]

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