Sunday, November 4, 2007

Java Wars: Attack of the DBAs

(continued from: Java Wars: The J-Tard Menace)

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you...

I am re-energized. I have a new found resolve thanks to Max Spazter's pep talk. I will bring down the J-Tards and ensure a corporation dominated by DBAs (Database Administrators) and people who worship Larry Ellison. I call a meeting with all the DBAs - I do a roll call:

Fake RL! Here! Fake TA! Here! Fake JY! Here! Fake VI! Here! Fake JC! Here! Fake JWC! Here!

All members are present. I proceed to tell everyone my plan, "We all know that J-Tard Jorge has plans to eliminate all stored procedures which we all know is blasphemous. We must stand our ground and not let this happen. I need each and everyone of you to come up with research, whitepapers, presentations, and analysis, to prove that stored procedures are superior to Hibernate code. I don't care what it is, make up the data if you have to! Just make sure it paints stored procedures as godly and anything those J-Tards stand for as evil. Max Spazter will call a meeting with J-Tards in an hour to present this propaganda to destroy the J-Tards and ensure our dominance in this corporation will be forever!"

The roar of victory comes from all DBAs.

(One hour later)

We all settled into the room where we will meet with the J-Tards. Max Spazter has already given J-Tard Jorge a call and told us that they will be here in a few minutes. We put the final touches on everything. I draw a circle on the whiteboard and label it "Fake Jeff's Circle of Trust". I also draw a dot outside the circle and label it "Fake JS". I explain to the other DBAs that this means Fake JS is outside my circle of trust ala Robert DeNiro in Meet the Parents. The reason why I did this is to get us a psychologically advantage because I know Fake JS, the tardest J-Tard of them all, is a fraud.

The J-Tards all walk into the meeting room together. I search for the tardest J-Tard of them all and just stare at him. I make sure I don't blink in order to strike fear in him. It works, I have his attention. I point towards both my eyes and I point towards him to let him know I'm watching him ala Robert DeNiro in Meet the Parents. I make sure I don't blink. I point towards the whiteboard to show him my "circle of trust". I see the expression of fear fill his J-Tard mug as he tries to cower behind another J-Tard called Fake DM.

I think I hear Spazter accuse the J-Tard of some heinous Java crime, but I'm not really paying attention because I'm busy staring down Fake JS and going through how I will break his tardly face in my mind. I think I smile. I resist the urge to blink even though my eyes are starting to burn because he will think I'm crazy - giving me the psychological advantage.

Suddenly, Fake JS speaks, "There's no connection leak!"

The tardest J-Tard of them all is lying. I know - he can't even look at me as he says that. This makes my blood boil. I want to make him a tall glass of shut up juice and shove it down his lying face! I was about to jump him until Spazter told me to use my database monitor tools to show J-Tard Jorge that Fake JS is a liar. I do it with Oracle patriotism.

I decided to start blinking again.

I pull up my tool and I see that there is no connection leak! "The J-Tard turned off his program to cover his tracks." I point at him and threaten, "I'm gonna get you J-Tard!". As I begin get in position to drop-kick him, J-Tard Jorge interjects and defends him by accusing me of having a vendetta against them. This is true and I'm proud of it. I decide the time for words is over. It's time for my knuckles to meet J-Tard faces, but Spazter interjects and insults J-Tard Jorge, "Oh yeah! Well you and all your reports are J-Tards!" That's funny. I start laughing. J-Tard Jorge is confused, "What is J-Tard?" All DBAs laugh. Spazter spites J-Tard Jorge, "You don't know?! You're an idiot! J-Tard is an abbreviated form of Frigtard Java Developers!" J-Tard Jorge loses his temper and grabs Spazter by the neck and questions him, "What did you call me Spazter?!" Our fearless leader grabs J-Tard Jorge by the neck and defiantly repeats, "J-Tard!"

I am filled with pride as I see Spazter exhibit such resolves against the J-Tards. Everything is right in the world when a DBA puts down a J-Tard - I begin to feel Oracle greatness overcome me. I begin to feel Larry's beard grow on my face, but I am interrupted by J-Tard Jorge's battle cry, "DOWN WITH STORED-PROCEDURES!" Spazters calls all DBAs to arms, "IN THE NAME OF LARRY, DESTROY ALL J-TARDS!"

Apparently the rest of the DBAs don't quite understand that this is a call to physically harm all J-Tards. I make it crystal clear - I lunge towards Fake JS to fatally wound him. It's the Attack of the DBAs. He ducks like coward and I end up tackling the J-Tard standing behind him, Hans. I took him out like a linebacker takes out a wide receiver going across the middle of the field. That was very satisfying. The whole room breaks into a full brawl - DBAs have launched a full-scale fisticuff against the J-Tards. The violence against J-Tards makes me all warm and fuzzy so I close my eyes and stand in the mist of J-Tard destruction to soak in the beauty of it all. Suddenly Hans gets up and punches me in the face. I underestimated him. I was cocky - celebrated too soon, but before I can retaliate Fake TA comes from behind and knocks down Hans with a chair. I scan the room for Fake JS - I see him crawling around aimlessly on the floor with both hands over his face. Such a wuss of a J-Tard. I wait for him. As soon as he stood up I unleash my fist into Fake JS's face - the perfect punch. He screams like a girl as he flails towards the table.

As I move in to finish off Fake JS, I suddenly I hear girlish scream coming from behind me - It's Fake DM. He tries to grab my hair, but I punch him in the gut and he collapses to the floor. I look up and see Fake RL fly out of nowhere to jump-kick Fake JS in the face. I stop to see the rest of this. She grabs Fake JS and slams him down onto the table. All I can hear is Fake JS screaming like a girl. Fake RL headbutts him to put a stop to the screaming and slams him face-first into the ground. I start laughing with so much uncontrollable joy that all I could do was to continue to watch Fake VI crack a laptop over a Hans's head, Fake JY slapping Fake JZ silly, Fake TA and Fake JC throw J-Tard Jorge across the room, and Fake JWC karate chop Fake DM in the back of the neck to get him to stop pulling Fake RL's hair.

Suddenly I see Fake JS crack his compact over Fake JY to get her to stop slapping Fake JZ silly. This pisses me off so I march up to Fake JS to punch him in the face again. Another perfect punch. Once again - very satisfying. He collapses to the ground and I start laughing uncontrollably again. Suddenly Fake JZ pops up out of nowhere and karate chops me in the back of the neck. I drop to the ground in pain. Damn this female J-Tard - she's got a vicious streak, but before I could get up Fake DM jumps on top of me. He tries to scratch out my eyes and pull out my hair. God, why does he have fight like that?! I grab both his hands to stop all the girly slapping motions and he starts screaming again. That's annoying too. Before I can sink my fist into his face the meeting room door swings open and I hear Max Spazter's Boss exclaim, "What is going on here?!" The fighting stops. The room falls silent. Everyone's got this look of surprise on their faces.

My chance to get in a cheap shot. I slap Fake DM across his face with the back of my hand. He starts crying and collapses to the floor. This was also very satisfying...

(to be continued: Java Wars: Revenge of the DBAs)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]

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