Friday, October 26, 2007

Java Wars: The J-Tard Empire Strikes Back

(continued from Java Wars: A New J-Tard)

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you....

King Jorge has sent all J-Tards to hunt down all stored-procedures and replace them with Hibernate code and business logic running on the application server. I see all the meetings and emails about how we will eventually eliminate stored-procedures from our technology stack. I've even heard rumors that King Jorge will move away from Oracle and use MySQL. MySQL! DEAR LARRY! MySQL! For the love of Larry Ellison, what is J-Tard Jorge thinking?

I pause for a moment to think about all the hard work I put into making my Oracle database so pristine and beautiful - all those relational modeling just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. And J-Tard Jorge just comes along and destroys all of it.

This is my darkest hour. But this is where I shine! J-tard Jorge you are going down!

I whip open the stored-procedure that I mentioned in my last diary entry to double check my work. I don't know why I bother. It's perfect as always. I guess I just like looking at my own code. I make sure that the little surprise I put in the code is very devastating on any JVM (Java Virtual Machine). I setup a meeting to show the J-Tards how to integrate my stored-procedure into their codebase. That made me feel really dirty having to work with such tards, but I keep the greater goal in mind and take one for the team.

My work is done. Now I wait for those J-tards to start running around in fire-drill mode trying to figure out what is going on. I pop open a Sierra Nevada and wait for the chaos to begin. I love this part...

Sure enough, within half an hour those J-tards are up in arms screaming and jumping like the stupid monkeys they are, "Oh no, my JVM crashed!", "Oh my god, I getting an OutOfMemoryError!"

Oh my Larry, they are such tards! It's so funny to watch them go through this.

Unfortunately the fun was short lived. King Jorge sets up a meeting with me to talk about the problem. I accept the meeting. It's mano a mano. I get to the meeting room earlier to make sure I see him coming.

King Jorge finally walks in the room. We meet him for the first time. He's tall, dark, and J-tardly. He's dressed in black leather from head to toe. He breathes rhythmically and deeply. He looks at me and says, "Jeff, I am your father, join me..."

NO! NO! That's not true! I will never join you!

J-Tard Jorge disconnects his bluetooth ear-piece and says to me, "Oh sorry, I was talking to my son Jeff. I was asking him to join me for dinner later tonight and sorry for the heavy breathing. I was running up the stairs. I need to catch my breathe. By the way, I'm King Jorge. Nice to meet you." We shake hands and I respond, "I'm Fake Jeff, nice to meet you, J-Tard." He looks puzzled, "What's J-Tard?" I respond, "What's What? I don't what you're talking about. Anyways, how can I help you?"

He details the problem to me, "Look Fake Jeff, there's a problem with the code. We don't know where it is, but we're sure the problem is somewhere between the Java code and the stored-procedure. I've assigned Fake JS to work with you on this." The tardest J-tard of them all. They'll never figure out the problem. I response, "Sure no problem." He smiles and says, "Cool. Thanks."

We walk out of the meeting room together and J-Tard Jorge says to me, "By the way I'm still new here and I'm still figuring out some things, like what's the deal with Fake JS and his compacts? He's always looking at himself. Does he really think he's all that?" I response, "The guy's a freak." J-Tard Jorge laughs, "Yeah, 'cause he really not all that." We both share a hearty laugh and I head over to J-Tard land to find Fake JS.

So Fake JS and myself have been "working together" for four plus hours with no result. Of course, I have him looking at red herrings, but I don't really need to do that because he seems to spend all his time staring at high reflective surfaces and smiling. Freak of a J-tard. On top of that he's constantly whispering gibberish into his phone. This guy is the tardest J-tard of them all.

But all of a sudden he hangs up his phone and says to me, "Fake Jeff, look at lines 89 through 98 in the stored-procedure. It's an infinite loop. Fix that and we are good." My jaw drops to the ground in shock.

The J-Tard Empire Strikes Back!

The tardest J-tard of them all has exposed me! I need to cover my tracks! I resort to what I know best. Violence. I take a swing at him. He ducks. I get a hold of him and he starts screaming like a girl, something like, "Not the face! Not the face!" I shove him into a storage cabinet. I lock the storage cabinet and throw away the keys.

I scream, "I OWN YOU J-TARD! I OWN YOU!"

Peace out....

(to be continued: Java Wars: Return of the J-Tards)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]

1 comment:

Fake JS said...

Hey Fake Jeff,

Here's my version of the story: King Jorge: Fix The JVM Problem

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