Java Wars: A New J-Tard

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you....

Max Spazter, my boss, barges into my office with a deeply concerned look on his face, "Fake Jeff we need to talk." He closes the door and begins, "I just got out of a meeting with King Jorge and it doesn't look good for us." I immediately interrupt, "Who is King Jorge?" Spazter looks me directly in the eyes and says, "He's the new leader of the J-Tards"

Dear god, the J-Tards have a leader now! Spazter continues to explain that King Jorge is uniting all the J-Tards together by telling them to use Hibernate to connect to my beloved database. The more I hear the more upset I get. The situation is dire, I now understand what Spazter is spazing about. He even told me that King Jorge wants to run Java code inside my beloved Oracle database! PURE BLASPHEMY! I've heard enough so I demand that Spazter make me his general and declare war on this imminent threat; A new J-Tard named King Jorge.

Spazter looks at his watch. He realizes he's late for a meeting and tells me he has sent me an email that tells me everything I need to know, "This is important Fake Jeff, I trust you to take care of everything" and walks out of my office.

I immediately open the email and it reads:

Fake Jeff, days ago, you served me well by doing everything in stored-procedures. Now I beg you to help me in my struggles against the J-Tard Empire. I regret that I was unable to give you more lead time, but I have fallen under golden boy Jorge's attack and I'm afraid my mission to help Larry Ellison to take over the world has failed. I've attached information vital to our survival in this email. You should know how to download it. You must see that this information is secretly forwarded to all other Database Administrators. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Fake Jeff, you're my only hope.

I gladly except the mission. If I do not make it out this war in one piece I hope Larry will remember that I've sacrificed myself in the name of Oracle.

I know exactly what I need to do. I execute the first part of my plan by creating a godly Oracle stored-procedure for those J-tards. I've put a little surprise in the code for them. Muhahaha! Muhahaha! Muhahaha!

Peace out...

(to be continued: Java Wars: The J-Tard Empire Strikes Back)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]