Java Wars: A New J-Tard

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you....

Max Spazter, my boss, barges into my office with a deeply concerned look on his face, "Fake Jeff we need to talk." He closes the door and begins, "I just got out of a meeting with King Jorge and it doesn't look good for us." I immediately interrupt, "Who is King Jorge?" Spazter looks me directly in the eyes and says, "He's the new leader of the J-Tards"

Dear god, the J-Tards have a leader now! Spazter continues to explain that King Jorge is uniting all the J-Tards together by telling them to use Hibernate to connect to my beloved database. The more I hear the more upset I get. The situation is dire, I now understand what Spazter is spazing about. He even told me that King Jorge wants to run Java code inside my beloved Oracle database! PURE BLASPHEMY! I've heard enough so I demand that Spazter make me his general and declare war on this imminent threat; A new J-Tard named King Jorge.

Spazter looks at his watch. He realizes he's late for a meeting and tells me he has sent me an email that tells me everything I need to know, "This is important Fake Jeff, I trust you to take care of everything" and walks out of my office.

I immediately open the email and it reads:

Fake Jeff, days ago, you served me well by doing everything in stored-procedures. Now I beg you to help me in my struggles against the J-Tard Empire. I regret that I was unable to give you more lead time, but I have fallen under golden boy Jorge's attack and I'm afraid my mission to help Larry Ellison to take over the world has failed. I've attached information vital to our survival in this email. You should know how to download it. You must see that this information is secretly forwarded to all other Database Administrators. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Fake Jeff, you're my only hope.

I gladly except the mission. If I do not make it out this war in one piece I hope Larry will remember that I've sacrificed myself in the name of Oracle.

I know exactly what I need to do. I execute the first part of my plan by creating a godly Oracle stored-procedure for those J-tards. I've put a little surprise in the code for them. Muhahaha! Muhahaha! Muhahaha!

Peace out...

(to be continued: Java Wars: The J-Tard Empire Strikes Back)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]

Bad food! Bad code! Bad J-tard!

So I was happily having lunch by myself in the company cafeteria until J-tard decides to ruin the party and asked, "Mind if I join you for lunch?". So I'm thinking you're a J-tard, why do you think I wouldn't mind? Anyways, I 'm feeling less hostile than usually because we'll be exclusively using stored procedures for our next project (The thought of no J-tards touching my beloved database just makes me warm and fuzzy inside) so I'm allowing him to have lunch with me.

I finish off my lunch and I'm still hungry so I look over at J-tard and say, "Hey J-tard, I'm still hungry. Feed me." So I immediately grab some rice and some chicken off his plate. He pretends to be nice, "Uh, yeah sure, try some of it." J-tards are always kissing up to me because they know that everything Java is wrong and everything Oracle is godly, just like Larry. He's very godly, especially his beard. It looks so soft and smooth and yet so masculine and soooo Oracle databasy.

Anyways, I shovel some of J-tard's food into my mouth. Holy Jesus! It tastes like toe jam! I spit it out and stare at him. I don't blink. I'm pissed. I continue to stare at him. I still don't blink. I finally calm myself down by thinking about Larry's beard and say to him, "I cannot believe your food is as crappy as your Java code. You should really consider getting off your Gavin-Man-Crush and rewrite your Hibernate code into stored procedures! You've used up my last ounce of mercy toward any J-tard. IF YOU EVEN MENTION ANYTHING JAVA WITHIN AN EARSHOT OF ME, I WILL TAKE YOU OUT BIG-TIME". I throw the leftovers at him and I walk out of the cafeteria. Friggin J-tards.

Peace out...

Lunch with Agent Zero

So I get a call from Agent Zero, he wants to get together for lunch. He's yapping about some conspiracy theory that he believes will interest me. I ignore him. I don't particularly want to have lunch with him. This jagoff is a chatterbox Fox Mulder with an annoying streak, but I have a frigtard Java developer in my ear about some completely asinine topic. He's on a soapbox about Spring, dependency injection, and some dude named Martin Fowler. Honestly, I don't know why this frigtard is talking about Spring in October and I'm beginning to having a "fowl" thought about "injecting" my pen into his eye.

I've had enough so I choose the lesser of two evils. I confirm lunch with Agent Zero. I serve frigtard Java developer a tall glass of shut-up juice and tell him, "If you or Martin touch my beloved Oracle database while I'm out to lunch I'm going to inject Martin's head in your ass".

So Agent Zero and I are having lunch at Chili's. This jagoff is happily shoving his Bacon Burger down his throat while he drones on and on about that Meteorite incident in Peru and Bush's plan for a permanent presidency. I can't even look at my Country-Fried Steak because I'm getting nauseous from listening to him so my mind wanders to keep from hurling. Larry Ellison's beard dances around in my head and a grin begins to show across my face, but two-dollar Fox Mulder brings me back to reality by finally getting to the point. He goes, "But the real conspiracy is this - What's your deal with the term, "frigtard Java Developer", Fake Jeff? All things Java start with a "J". It's JBoss. It's JDom. It's JBuilder. It's always "J" something bro. Where's the creativity, Fake Jeff? The truth is out there".

Ok, I'm confused...

He goes quiet and slips me a note underneath the table. It reads, "J-Tard = frigtard Java Developer".

Am I like, OMG!

J-TARD.

I have a new found respect for Agent Zero. I'm no longer nauseous. I quickly pound down my Country-Fried Steak because I can't wait to get back to the office to slap some sense into the J-tard who probably messed up my beloved Oracle database.

The truth is out there.

Peace out...

Man-Crush

Larry Ellison is a great man. My most favorite product of his beloved company is the Oracle Database

Java Developers Suck!

So this frigtard Java Developer walks into my cube today and tells me he wants to add a column to one of my database tables. I was thinking, "What the hell do you think you're doing even thinking of touching my beloved Oracle database tables?!" So I put up with it for a while 'cause my boss told me to be less hostile towards these frigtards. So for the next minute or so I pretend to listen to the worthless sounds coming out of his mouth. When I finally feel sorry for him, I tell him to have a tall glass of shut-up juice and listen to my Godly database-centric solution, "ADDING A FRIGGIN COLUMN TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM IS SOMETHING FRIGTARDS LIKE YOU ALWAYS SUGGEST! I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN! HELL NO! WE ARE CREATING TWENTY TABLES TO REPLACE YOUR COLUMN AND YOUR GOING TO REWRITE YOUR WORTHLESS CODE TO USE THOSE TABLES!"

Peace out...

Hibernate Sucks!

I'm sitting in a design meeting with a bunch of frigtard Java developers and they're beginning to piss me off. They're talking about using Hibernate to connect to my beloved Oracle database. All these friggin O/R mapping frameworks generating these inefficient SQL queries just gives me the twitches. These guys don't know what the hell they are talking about! One day it's this, the next day it's that. I couldn't wait for those frigtards to stop yapping so I cold-cocked the one sitting next to me to get their attention and said, "GAVIN SUCKS! HIBERNATE SUCKS! WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING WITH STORED PROCEDURES!"

Peace out...