Larry's beard

I've decide to grow a beard just like my Man-Crush, Larry Ellison. Look how totally cool he looks in this picture:



Can you see the plane behind him? That's the one I hope to co-pilot with him one day. I can picture it now, Larry and I floating through the clouds and watching the sunset together.

...but I digress. Back to the main point...

Look how soft, smooth, and well kept his beard is. I need a beard exactly like that so I can be so cruelly cool for the ladies. God, he looks so cool and in control. Yes, I'm so growing Larry's beard on my face because I want to be maniacally masculine too.

I want to be Larry...

Larry is so cool

It's been a frustrating day because I'm been in meetings all day with J-Tards who don't understand why Hibernate is exceptionally retarded. How many times do I have to order a tall glass of shut up juice for these idiots? Do they realized how ridiculous they sound when they start going on and on about O/R mapping crap?

Anyways, it's the first time all day I'm in my office. I pull up Outlook to find I have 1024 new and unread emails in my inbox. God, I'm just going to ignore them. Last thing I want to do is read emails. Most of them are probably from J-Tards asking me to add an index because their piece of crap Java code can't hack it. Of course they assume that it's something wrong with my beloved database. Like they friggin know what they are talking about.

I need to unwind so I pull up YouTube to watch some Larry Ellison videos. This one is my favorite:



Larry is so magnificent the way he says "Red Hat" over and over and over and over again. The best part is when he giggles. Only a man as awesome as Larry can giggle like that and get away with it. For the first time today I feel like smiling and I do. I click "Replay" to watch the video again.

Larry is so cool. I want to be just like him.

Java Wars: Revenge of the DBAs

(continued from: Java Wars: Attack of the DBAs)

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you...

Bobby H, Spazter's boss, walks into the meeting room and completely freaks out when he see that we have launched a full assault against the J-Tards. I really don't understand why he's so surprise. How else are you supposed to deal with J-Tards? It's what Larry would have done. Bobby H demands that we put a stop to this insanity and solve this issue in a civilized manner. Blah blah blah. Friggin retard. He obviously does not understand the J-Tard threat. He needs to understand. Just as I was going to speak up, Spazter and J-Tard Jorge step in to explain everything to him.

They are going to lie.

They tell him that this is a joke they plan to play on Ricky C, Bobby H's boss, for his upcoming birthday. They tell him we were just doing a trial run to see how it will go. Before long Spazter and J-Tard Jorge got Bobby H so buttered up that the three of them were sharing a hearty laugh about this incident. God, management is so gullible. They tell Bobby H to keep it under wraps. Bobby H gives us a big thumbs up and walks out the door.

When the door slams shut, J-Tard Jorge and Max Spazter resume their attack positions. They look like two alpha-male wolves about to do battle. Spazter says, "Fighting won't work" and J-Tard Jorge replies, "Agreed. Let's get back to the reason why you called the meeting."

Damnit! Spazter can be as dumb as management sometimes. We had our chance to completely annihilate the J-Tards and he decides to call off the full assault. I'm upset. I'm so upset that I'll need to make a trip to Redwood Shores, CA. I need to get more of Ellison's beard trimmings from his barber so I can use it for my anger management therapy.

Just as I'm about to lose my temper and go postal on another J-tard, Spazter tells me to present the propaganda, err research, that shows stored-procedures are superior to Hibernate.

Everyone in the room settles into a chair waiting for me to begin. Everyone has varying degrees of injuries. It looks like an emergency waiting room after a huge disaster. I see that Fake RL is unconscious so I help her onto a chair. She is a good soldier and deserves the ultimate honor for beat the living daylights out of the tardest J-Tard of them all, Fake JS. I see Fake JS in the distance. He is unconscious as well. I can barely recognize him because Fake RL and I got in so many good punches. Fake JS is a total wuss - he definitely can't fight like a man much less a woman. I begin to laugh uncontrollably, but Spazter asks me to focus on the task at hand and I do.

I begin to present all the damning evidence against Hibernate and show how stored procedures are able to solve everything from software development to world hunger. Thirty minutes into the discussion, J-Tard Jorge cocks back is head, puts his hand on his head, and releases a scream that echoes across the meeting room.

He realizes the errors of his ways by getting in bed with Hibernate.

It's the Revenge of the DBAs.

The J-Tards are doomed! Their complete destruction is at hand because their leader has faltered. Muhahaha!

J-Tard Jorge speaks up, "This an excellent presentation. I see your point Fake Jeff. What you say makes sense. I see that stored procedures do have a place in this company's technology stack."

Management is so gullible...

J-Tard Jorge continues, "Spazter, Fake Jeff did a good job. I realize now that Hibernate and stored procedures can coexist."

Spazter approves. J-Tard Jorge and Spazter shake hands.

Damnit Spazter, we were suppose to completely annihilate Hibernate! Not coexist with it! Management is so dumb. Oh well, we have marked our territory and the J-Tards now understand that they don't mess with anything with Larry Ellison's stamp of approval. Beside I cannot take up another fight right now because my ribs are really sore and I lost one of my contact lenses.

This is a victory in my book because I beat the hell out of the tardest J-Tard of them all, Fake JS. The J-Tards now have an example of how I will mangle their face if they decide to cross Larry or myself.

Meeting adjourned. I put Fake RL on my shoulder to carry her out. She wakes up and tells me, "Call my sister, she can attend to my injuries." I do so. It's the least I can do for her.

This is a good day. I get back to my office. I close my eyes and imagine myself flying through the clouds with Larry Ellison in his plane. I am at ease. I am happy.

Peace out...

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]

Java Wars: Attack of the DBAs

(continued from: Java Wars: The J-Tard Menace)

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you...

I am re-energized. I have a new found resolve thanks to Max Spazter's pep talk. I will bring down the J-Tards and ensure a corporation dominated by DBAs (Database Administrators) and people who worship Larry Ellison. I call a meeting with all the DBAs - I do a roll call:

Fake RL! Here! Fake TA! Here! Fake JY! Here! Fake VI! Here! Fake JC! Here! Fake JWC! Here!

All members are present. I proceed to tell everyone my plan, "We all know that J-Tard Jorge has plans to eliminate all stored procedures which we all know is blasphemous. We must stand our ground and not let this happen. I need each and everyone of you to come up with research, whitepapers, presentations, and analysis, to prove that stored procedures are superior to Hibernate code. I don't care what it is, make up the data if you have to! Just make sure it paints stored procedures as godly and anything those J-Tards stand for as evil. Max Spazter will call a meeting with J-Tards in an hour to present this propaganda to destroy the J-Tards and ensure our dominance in this corporation will be forever!"

The roar of victory comes from all DBAs.

(One hour later)

We all settled into the room where we will meet with the J-Tards. Max Spazter has already given J-Tard Jorge a call and told us that they will be here in a few minutes. We put the final touches on everything. I draw a circle on the whiteboard and label it "Fake Jeff's Circle of Trust". I also draw a dot outside the circle and label it "Fake JS". I explain to the other DBAs that this means Fake JS is outside my circle of trust ala Robert DeNiro in Meet the Parents. The reason why I did this is to get us a psychologically advantage because I know Fake JS, the tardest J-Tard of them all, is a fraud.

The J-Tards all walk into the meeting room together. I search for the tardest J-Tard of them all and just stare at him. I make sure I don't blink in order to strike fear in him. It works, I have his attention. I point towards both my eyes and I point towards him to let him know I'm watching him ala Robert DeNiro in Meet the Parents. I make sure I don't blink. I point towards the whiteboard to show him my "circle of trust". I see the expression of fear fill his J-Tard mug as he tries to cower behind another J-Tard called Fake DM.

I think I hear Spazter accuse the J-Tard of some heinous Java crime, but I'm not really paying attention because I'm busy staring down Fake JS and going through how I will break his tardly face in my mind. I think I smile. I resist the urge to blink even though my eyes are starting to burn because he will think I'm crazy - giving me the psychological advantage.

Suddenly, Fake JS speaks, "There's no connection leak!"

The tardest J-Tard of them all is lying. I know - he can't even look at me as he says that. This makes my blood boil. I want to make him a tall glass of shut up juice and shove it down his lying face! I was about to jump him until Spazter told me to use my database monitor tools to show J-Tard Jorge that Fake JS is a liar. I do it with Oracle patriotism.

I decided to start blinking again.

I pull up my tool and I see that there is no connection leak! "The J-Tard turned off his program to cover his tracks." I point at him and threaten, "I'm gonna get you J-Tard!". As I begin get in position to drop-kick him, J-Tard Jorge interjects and defends him by accusing me of having a vendetta against them. This is true and I'm proud of it. I decide the time for words is over. It's time for my knuckles to meet J-Tard faces, but Spazter interjects and insults J-Tard Jorge, "Oh yeah! Well you and all your reports are J-Tards!" That's funny. I start laughing. J-Tard Jorge is confused, "What is J-Tard?" All DBAs laugh. Spazter spites J-Tard Jorge, "You don't know?! You're an idiot! J-Tard is an abbreviated form of Frigtard Java Developers!" J-Tard Jorge loses his temper and grabs Spazter by the neck and questions him, "What did you call me Spazter?!" Our fearless leader grabs J-Tard Jorge by the neck and defiantly repeats, "J-Tard!"

I am filled with pride as I see Spazter exhibit such resolves against the J-Tards. Everything is right in the world when a DBA puts down a J-Tard - I begin to feel Oracle greatness overcome me. I begin to feel Larry's beard grow on my face, but I am interrupted by J-Tard Jorge's battle cry, "DOWN WITH STORED-PROCEDURES!" Spazters calls all DBAs to arms, "IN THE NAME OF LARRY, DESTROY ALL J-TARDS!"

Apparently the rest of the DBAs don't quite understand that this is a call to physically harm all J-Tards. I make it crystal clear - I lunge towards Fake JS to fatally wound him. It's the Attack of the DBAs. He ducks like coward and I end up tackling the J-Tard standing behind him, Hans. I took him out like a linebacker takes out a wide receiver going across the middle of the field. That was very satisfying. The whole room breaks into a full brawl - DBAs have launched a full-scale fisticuff against the J-Tards. The violence against J-Tards makes me all warm and fuzzy so I close my eyes and stand in the mist of J-Tard destruction to soak in the beauty of it all. Suddenly Hans gets up and punches me in the face. I underestimated him. I was cocky - celebrated too soon, but before I can retaliate Fake TA comes from behind and knocks down Hans with a chair. I scan the room for Fake JS - I see him crawling around aimlessly on the floor with both hands over his face. Such a wuss of a J-Tard. I wait for him. As soon as he stood up I unleash my fist into Fake JS's face - the perfect punch. He screams like a girl as he flails towards the table.

As I move in to finish off Fake JS, I suddenly I hear girlish scream coming from behind me - It's Fake DM. He tries to grab my hair, but I punch him in the gut and he collapses to the floor. I look up and see Fake RL fly out of nowhere to jump-kick Fake JS in the face. I stop to see the rest of this. She grabs Fake JS and slams him down onto the table. All I can hear is Fake JS screaming like a girl. Fake RL headbutts him to put a stop to the screaming and slams him face-first into the ground. I start laughing with so much uncontrollable joy that all I could do was to continue to watch Fake VI crack a laptop over a Hans's head, Fake JY slapping Fake JZ silly, Fake TA and Fake JC throw J-Tard Jorge across the room, and Fake JWC karate chop Fake DM in the back of the neck to get him to stop pulling Fake RL's hair.

Suddenly I see Fake JS crack his compact over Fake JY to get her to stop slapping Fake JZ silly. This pisses me off so I march up to Fake JS to punch him in the face again. Another perfect punch. Once again - very satisfying. He collapses to the ground and I start laughing uncontrollably again. Suddenly Fake JZ pops up out of nowhere and karate chops me in the back of the neck. I drop to the ground in pain. Damn this female J-Tard - she's got a vicious streak, but before I could get up Fake DM jumps on top of me. He tries to scratch out my eyes and pull out my hair. God, why does he have fight like that?! I grab both his hands to stop all the girly slapping motions and he starts screaming again. That's annoying too. Before I can sink my fist into his face the meeting room door swings open and I hear Max Spazter's Boss exclaim, "What is going on here?!" The fighting stops. The room falls silent. Everyone's got this look of surprise on their faces.

My chance to get in a cheap shot. I slap Fake DM across his face with the back of my hand. He starts crying and collapses to the floor. This was also very satisfying...

(to be continued: Java Wars: Revenge of the DBAs)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]

Java Wars: The J-Tard Menace

(continued from Java Wars: The Return of the J-Tards)

A short time ago in a corporation pretty near you...

I get back to my office to recuperate from my wounds I received in my battle with the J-Tards. Though they have won the battle, the war is far from over. I lock the door. The last thing I want is Max Spazter walking into my office because I'll have to explain what happened. I sit down. I open an xterm and start monitoring my beloved database. I do this every time I'm in a bad mood. It calms me down and gets me thinking about Larry Ellison's magnificent beard. Oh how I would love to be stroking his beard while sitting next to him as he's flying his plane. I can picture it now, The reflection of the sun and clouds on Larry's fighter pilot sunglasses makes him look godly. He takes the plane through the clouds and describes to me all the latest feature of Oracle 11g. I'm riding cloud nine right now.

Suddenly I see an alert on my computer screen - A database session is being held on by some rogue program and it doesn't look like it's going to be released. I bet it's a J-Tard messing with my beloved Oracle database again.

It's the J-Tard Menace!

I'm really pissed because this alert really took me out of my Zen Larry moment. I look into this further to find out which workstation on the network is doing this. The workstation causing this problem is called "beautifulfakejs" - geez I wonder whose computer that is? I should have known Fake JS, the tardest J-Tard of them all, would try to retaliate. Once again I feel my blood pressure rising. I feel belligerent. I feel like beating Fake JS to a bloody pulp. I waste no time and decide to act on my violent impulses.

I march my way into Fake JS's office. I swing open the door and see this disgusting excuse of a J-Tard dancing with his a compact. This guy's a freak through and through. He finally sees me when he dances right in front of me. He stops and acts like he's seen a ghost. I proceed to ask him politely, "You %#@#$ tardest J-Tard of them all! You $%@# created a $%# connection leak on my beloved database! Do you even know how to write code?!"

He stands there and starts to drool. After a while he utters gibberish to me. I don't understand what he is saying so I'll just repeat it verbatim:

"Fake Jeff, did you consider the Agile ESB that delivers the SOA of the Test Driven Database Oracle that serialize SCRUM packets over the EJB into JVM on the ByteCode MBean of RMI Servlet Session SSH HTTP JAXB JMS Tibco DB2 IBM .NET Microsoft Google JBoss Spring Winter Autumn Summer Apple and Oranges? Did you consider that huh? huh? huh? and by the way, you suck! I hate you."

I'm so astonished by this J-Tard's stupidity that I'm speechless. I gather myself and realize why I'm here - to release a can of whoop ass on him. Oh my Larry, he's starting to dance again. I put an end to that by responding to him, "You're not making sense! You're completely clueless you J-Tard! You better turn off your $%#$ program before I lock you up again!"

He starts drooling again.

He tries to escape, but I block off the exit. He tries to throws his nose-hair trimmer at me, but I easily slap it aside to the ground. The bugger keeps running around his desk. He's really beginning to get on my nerves. I can't wait 'til I get my hands on him so that I can just beat on him for about 2 or 3 hours. I'm sick of chasing him so I lunge towards him. Just as I'm about to grab a hold of him, I lose my footing and fall to the ground because I stepped on his nose-hair trimmer. Lucky J-Tard. He jets out of his office screaming like a girl - He sounds just like Fake DM. I get up and run after him, but he's no where in sight. I go from office to office questioning every J-Tard on the whereabouts of the tardest J-Tard of them all. Everyone denies knowing where he is. Damn, I have this violent energy building up within me, but no J-Tard to release it on.

I see Max Spazter heading towards me. I try to avoid him, but he calls to me, "Fake Jeff, let's talk. Look, forget about J-Tard JS connection leak problem. I'll talk to J-Tard Jorge about it and it'll be taken care of. This is not the core problem. I need you to focus on the bigger issue; How to keep all J-Tards off our Oracle Database. You see Fake Jeff, I need you to calm down because fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to J-Tards writing Hibernate code, so I really need you to focus."

His words calm me like music calms a raging beast. I'm at peace again because I know what I need to do now. I can picture myself flying through the clouds with Larry again.

(to be continued: Java Wars: Attack of the DBAs)

[Editor's note: Due to the fantastical nature of these chronicles, I have decided to make sure readers have access to a different point of view so that they may decide for themselves what is real about this fake blog: Click here to see Fake JS's chronicle of this event]